Carington update

Carington continues to amaze us with how well she is doing. She does love to be held a lot and is sometimes nervous or scared of other adults, but overall she is adusting wonderfully. She is so social and loves her brothers. She is begining to allow her grandparents to hold and play with her more, (vs. always insisting on having mama). She tries to mimick everything that Noah says and she is not intimidated by him in the least. She eats everything in sight and will not stop eating until the food is taken away. Even then she will clean up the floor of anything that may have fallen! She has gained about 3 lbs since being home. Thats an almost 20% increase! She is crawling much faster and will stand at the sofa when placed in that position, but cannot pull to stand on her own.

We are absolutely crazy about this little girl. I have had several people remark that they have never seen me this happy. And truely, I don't think I've ever been this happy. It is largely due to her, but I think that it is also due to having my family complete. For so long I had a child that wasn't mine, while the child that was mine was all the way across the ocean. I cannot describe the peace in my heart, knowing that this is my family, and unless heaven interupts, that it isn't going to change. These kids are my kids and they will stay that way. And I couldn't be happier about it!

New Dog

It has been 9 months since our beloved Brutus died. Today we finally got a new dog. She is a sweet heart. We got her from a local shelter, she had been there for 2 months. I'm shocked and very pleased that she is well behaved. I've been missing having a dog so much and really wanted one, but I was nervous that it would be to much for us right now. I'm happy to say that it looks like God lead us to just the right dog for our needs.

I was very surprised that Aiden actually started to grieve for Brutus today. When Brutus died I think he was so busy trying to hold his mama together that he never got a chance to grieve himself! It has been really sad and also really sweet to see him working through his emotions today. He is so excited about the new dog but it is bringing up so many memories for him. He told me tonight, "I miss Brutus the most because he and I were best buddies." I love this sensitive boy!

Our For Awhile Son

Today my foster son is on my mind. It was one year ago today that he joined our family. How I long to relive that night and have that precious boy in my home again. How I long to hear his laugh... to hear him call me mama... to see him play with Aiden and Noah. What I wouldn't give to hold him tonight...

A few days ago I over heard Aiden explaining to Noah why he had to leave. "Noah, he was never OUR baby. Thats why he had to leave us. But Noah, Carington IS OUR baby. She will never leave us. So you don't have to worry about that Noah." No part of my family is untouched.

So I thought now might be a good time to dispel a common myth about foster parents.

We do not become foster parents because we are somehow immune to getting attached. Being a foster mother is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my whole life, mostly because I was so attached. I cannot describe how painful even the joyous parts are. That may be hard to understand. But when I felt joy from my time with him, when I saw his joy from his time with me, it hurt. I cannot describe accurately the constant underlying feeling of doom... knowing that someday he would be taken from me. Like knowing that something terrible is about to happen, your just not sure when.

All of that being said, do I regret it? NO!
Was he worth all the time, energy, and pain? ABSOLUTELY!
Do I recommend foster parenting? YES!
How can I say that after the pain I've experienced? Because quite frankly, its not about me.

It seems to me the primary reason that people don't become foster parents even when they feel a calling is because they are afraid of getting attached. They should be much more afraid that the child they could have kept safe may be hungry right now. He may be physically abused. He may be sexually abused, verbally abused, spiritually abused.... But I wouldn't want to get attached.

I am not saying that everyone should foster. But I am saying that if you have thought about it, if you have felt that tug at your heart, well its not the goodness in your own heart thats talking. Thats God. So maybe you should discuss it more seriously with Him.

OK, I'll get off my soapbox.

The day after my foster son left I read a poem by a foster mother who knows what I am going through. It helped me a lot. I took her poem and adapted it to fit our family and our foster son. Obviously I'm no poet, but this helped me to grieve. Maybe it will help someone else to.

Our For Awhile Son


You were an extra special one,
You were our "for awhile son".
Sent to us by God above,
to cherish, care for, teach and love.

You came here as a newborn boy,
couldn't roll, couldn't crawl, couldn't play with a toy.
With doctors and nurses you rarely fussed,
You are stronger than most, cause you've been through so much.

We remember how you loved your bath,
the joy on your face as you splashed and splashed.
Then there was the day that you sat on your own,
there were lots of cheers and hoorays in our home.

Our hearts leapt the day you said your first word,
a sweet "dada" for daddy Greg was heard.
We will always remember your light belly laugh
as you played tag with Aiden and Noah until one of you crashed.

With your push toy you'd knock anyone down,
you were never afraid of standing your ground.
Much applause erupted as you took your first step,
but I was the one you wanted when you fell and you wept.

But, oh how you smiled and your eyes shined
whenever you were happy, which was most of the time.
The day that you left has been my hardest to face,
Lord watch him, comfort him, keep him in your grace.

Please know I'd give anything to call you my own,
but I pray we'll be close in our heavenly home.
Simply, we'll remember our sweet little one,
in our hearts forever, our "for awhile son".

Ramblings on the transracial experience

I had a foster son who is African American. He left us 1 week before we went to Rwanda. I miss him dearly. But I thought I was an old pro at this transracial family thing. The looks never bothered me, or the often "are you babysitting?" I thought the views of the public would not effect me.

When we arrived into Dulles it felt so good to be on American soil again. After a few hours in the airport I told Greg, "I must be really tired because the looks never bothered me before, and right now its just really annoying me." I have since realized that I am annoyed because I am no longer a foster mother. I am just a mother.

Perhaps before I felt the looks and questions were more justified. After all, even though my heart told me differently, he wasn't really my son. I also knew that before he was old enough to be affected he would no longer be with me. But Carington REALLY is my daughter. Maybe I read to much into the looks now. But it hurts to know that the world around us sees our relationship as less than legit. Especially because if it hurts me, I know that one day it will hurt her. I want everyone to see us for what we are. Not the babysitter. Not the foster child. Not adoptive mother or adopted daughter. Just mother and daugher, because that is what we are.

I will take comfort, and hopefully teach her to take comfort, in knowing that all that really matters is how God sees us. After all, He saw us as mother and daughter long before we even did.

One year anniversary

One year ago today something wonderful happened. After over a month of researching adoption "just out of curiosity", I sat down to have some prayer time with God. I was feeling strongly lead to go ahead and make this decision, but I'm the type that wants a message written across the sky. That is practically what God gave me! So many things in this whole adoption process has amazed me about how God is working. I wanted to record the experience here for 2 reasons. Firstly, so that everyone will know that this little girl was no accident. We did not become mother and daughter by happenstance. This was a clearly directed plan for both of our lives. Secondly, and most importantly, to give God the glory for all that has happened. I know this will be long, but believe it or not, this is a very short version of all the amazing things that happened to lead us to this decision.

I wrote on my calendar that I started researching adoption sometime between Jan. 8-12, 2009. We found out recently that our daughter came to the orphanage on Jan. 12, 2009. She legally became our daughter on Jan. 8, 2010.

One year ago today I decided to spend some time in prayer and that is when I had the most amazing prayer experience of my life. First I asked for God’s guidance and asked that he send the devil away. When I began praying over what to do the word adoption kept coming to my mind and overriding even the questions I was asking. But I thought about adoption so much that I thought I was just distracted. So I decided to just focus on Jesus and praise Him. I closed my eyes to picture His face and His arms reaching out to me like I do a lot. When I did this Jesus was handing me an African baby! It startled me but I still felt like maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. So I decided to picture Jesus on the cross and His sacrifice for me. The thought that immediately popped into my head was, “I did this so that you could be adopted into my family. Now its time to do this for someone else.” I said, “when Lord?”. Immediately this phrase from a song came to me that I haven’t heard in years and years, “what about now? Why not today?”. The importance of this has become clear recently. Families whose paperwork arrived in Rwanda just 2 weeks after us have not yet received referrals on their children. I'm sure that God's timing will be perfect for those families as well, but I believe God knew we had to act quickly in order to bring Carington home at the time that we did.

God then brought to my mind all the benefits to Aiden and Noah, decreased racism, see how God has adopted them, give them a more giving spirit. I told God I wanted him to get all the glory and He said that adopting would bring him far more glory than another pregnancy. I questioned whether this was God or my own rambling or the devils influence. God said, “you asked me to send the devil away.” I then remembered something I’d just read about Jesus and the devil being the only controllers of our mind. It was like God was reminding me that the Devil was gone and He alone was in control. I thought, “you alone are worthy, you alone.” He said, “I was adopted. What would have happened if Joseph had not adopted me?” It came to my mind that Jesus’ lineage was traced through Joseph and the prophecies about him could not have been fulfilled without Joseph.

I said “If Satan is gone then why do I question.” The answer, “you need to choose faith. Faith is holding onto what you cannot feel.” The whole conversation seemed natural. I didn’t feel like something amazing was happening and God knew I needed to hear these words. I said, “I’m afraid I’ll look back and question whether I really experienced this.” God said, “have this ever happened before. Have I ever given you so many answers when you were quiet before me?” I said, "I just want to know this is your will". I then felt like I should look at Ephesians 1:5 which talks about us being adopted into God's family. When I did my eye caught verse 9 “and he made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ.”

At this point I felt like I should kneel with my face to the floor. I started to think of childbirth and I began to wonder about how different this would be not carrying this child. God immediately said, “I will give you the love.” I asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me and it was quiet for a while, which I needed to process and realize that my mind was not in control of this. Then I asked, “Lord, what about my dream of having a little redheaded girl.” The immediate answer was, “She was never meant to be.” This hurt very deeply, but God knew it was what I needed to hear. Since we had always planned on having 3 children by birth before we adopted I needed to know that there wasn’t a life that was meant to be created. I said, “really Lord, she was never meant to be?” I thought at that point that I would picture myself with that little girl like I have a million times, but instead I pictured Jesus holding me and comforting me in the loss of that dream! I began to cry and asked “Lord- she really wasn't meant to be? This isn't the devil tricking me?” God said, “I sent him away. Remember?”

I felt so amazed that God cares to answer my prayers and that He takes the time to speak to me! That afternoon I talked to Greg on the phone. I said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I had an amazing talk with God today and I believe 100% that He wants us to adopt that little girl from Rwanda now.” Greg said, “OK if that’s what God told you then that’s what we’ll do.” We submitted our application with the adoption agency online that night!

Our first day with Carington I was playing with her on our bed in Rwanda. As I looked at her I realized that I no longer had any desire for that little redheaded girl. Carington is the only baby girl I want. God knows far better than we do what is best for us. Sometimes I'm very hard headed and ask Him for a million signs. I am so thankful that He cared enough to give me the "writing in the sky" that I asked for. Otherwise this precious girl would still be an orphan and I would not know the joy that comes from following God's plan.

Our precious family

Carington is doing so well. She truly has made this transition so much easier than expected. She does need a lot of extra attention and she really loves to be held a lot, but we can see her confidence growing. She plays on the floor with her brothers more and more. She allows me to walk further from her without crying. Sometimes when we put her down she'll go right to sleep on her own, other times she needs to be rocked. Sometimes when she wakes she'll play a couple minutes in her crib before crying out. This shows me that she is becoming more secure. She doesn't seem as afraid that we will disappear.

She eats like crazy and we can tell that her cheeks and belly are a lot bigger than they were 3 1/2 weeks ago!

Aiden and Noah are such good big brothers. They have done really well with this transition too. They were already used to sharing me with a baby. For those who don't know, we had a foster son the same age as Carington that left the week before we went to Rwanda. This tends to essentuate the joy we feel with her. It brings us such happiness to see her bonding and attaching to us. With our foster son it brought pain knowing that the relationship could not last. We miss him and ache for him. But it is so good to look at all 3 of my children and know that they are here to stay. We feel so blessed.

First family photos and Noah trying out the Rwandese way to carry your baby.