Who knew a dress could elicite such emotion?

Almost a year ago my parents took all of their kids and grandkids to St. Croix for a week. I looked forward to this trip with such anticipation for many reasons. For one, it had been several years since we had all been together. For another, I was desperately needing a brake and a distraction from the wait. We were exhausted from the emotion and stress of fostering and the adoption process. I couldn't wait to relax and not think about things as much. And seriously, who could feel discouraged with a view like this!


Apparently I could. Much to my dismay when we arrived in beautiful St. Croix I was more emotional than at home. We were all so excited about a time when we would all be together, yet to me, we weren't all together. I thought so much about Carington and one night even had an extremely vivid dream that I was holding her. I woke up in such a depressed state. We listened to a conference call while we were there that made it seem like things would take longer still. I was so emotional in fact that I think some in my family misunderstood my emotions. I didn't seem happy and some thought maybe I was fostering and adopting out of a sense of duty or filling a void.

Well, little did we know that while we were in St. Croix, not only had we been approved but we had already been matched with Carington. Her picture was being taken and her medical information was being compiled to send to us just one month later. And I did end up relaxing and having a wonderful time with my family.

While there I bought a doll for Carington and I'll admit that I was very attached to it. It was my little piece of her and I slept with it every night until I had her in my arms! In fact here we are on the plane ride home and you can see the doll is in my arms. (Weird I know!)

We spent that Thanksgiving in Tennessee with Greg's family like we always do. I was discouraged yet again, missing my baby. We went shopping Thanksgiving night from midnight to 3 AM. (Yes, you read that right!) At 1:30 in the morning I was in Old Navy and was struck by this adorable little sweater dress. It had bright colors and I knew that it would be adorable against her brown skin. I stood in an incredibly long line and when I got up to the counter changed my mind. I didn't know when she would join our family, what season it would be, how old she would be. I knew it was ridiculous to buy it, but the pain of putting it back on the rack was unreal.

Less than 48 hours later we received our approval, and less than 48 hours after that we gazed upon her beautiful face for the first time! So what did I do as soon as I had her measurements? I headed back to Old Navy and JOYFULLY bought that dress for this winter. Making a purchase had never brought me such joy!

Well, today was our first cold day. So I pulled out the dress (and tights and boots). I couldn't believe the emotion of seeing her in that dress. This afternoon when Carington was sleeping and the boys were watching a video, she woke up crying. At first I cringed. This was my time to get something done. But I went in and rocked her a long time. She fell back asleep against me, wearing that dress, in her room, in my arms. And I can't help but think about what my mother-in-law says, "The days may be long, but the years are short." And I take my babies for granted. Each of my kids have a painful story of our journey to them, infertility, miscarriages, orphaned. And I forget and take them for granted.

Like every family, we have those days. Ones like today where everyone is cranky, woke up to rain when we were supposed to go to the state fair, stuck in the house, disappointed kids, snotty noses (which apparently Carington thinks snot doubles as paint and the kitchen cabinets are in need of a full coat), Noah whining, Carington in the cat food for the 80th time, Aiden not wanting to do school work because he is supposed to be watching pigs race at the fair, cat pooping in the crib, Carington slinging food ALL OVER the kitchen for the 40th time, dog pooping in the garage because she won't go out in the rain, Similac has been recalled, Carington and Noah have dumped a box of wheat thins all over the kitchen floor and stomped on them because I'm trying to do something stupid like blog with 3 kids in the house kind of day.

And I get tired. And I get frustrated. And I take my kids for granted. I take everything for granted for that matter. And I don't want to. Lets face it, the fact that I have cabinets for Carington to paint her snot on means that I have more than most. I want to remember that. I want to remember the pain of infertility, of miscarriages, of the adoption journey. Then even though the days may be long, I'll still feel the overwhelming sense of how blessed I am to call these 3 amazing kids mine. And I hope that one day when I look back and realize just how short the years have been, I'll be able to say that I lived each day to the fullest. Well, lets keep it real. Maybe at least I'll be able to say I lived most to the fullest. Or some, yeah, definately I should be able to say I lived some to the fullest.

And BTW, she looked just as adorable in the dress as I dreamed she would at 1:30 AM on Thanksgiving night.

A change of plans

Well, there has been a change of plans. For those that don't know what the plan was in the first place, I will tell you. Our plan was to begin the process to adopt another daughter from Rwanda beginning mid September. Greg and I both feel very strongly that we still have another daughter out there somewhere. We've been praying a lot but not feeling like God was really telling us anything other than, yes, we do still have another daughter.

So a couple weeks ago I told God what our plan was. I learned very clearly from the experience of adopting Carington that God's plan is so so SO much better than my own. So I told Him that if this was not the right timing, if this was not according to His plan to please close the door quickly. To my utter shock 4 days later the door was slammed shut. Rwanda announced that they are putting a temporary hold on international adoptions!

My first reaction was to burst into tears. My second reaction was to cry harder. My third reaction was to erupt into wailing! And so it continued for a couple days. I cried and cried not just for my "spoiled" plan, but for the children and families who had thousands of dollars, not to mention emotions invested. Now I KNOW that this is ultimately a good thing. Rwanda is doing this to become a part of the Hague convention to prevent things like child trafficking. This is good. "This IS good", I keep telling myself. But my heart still brakes.

I am thankful that even though I didn't like the answer, God cared enough to answer my prayer. I am very thankful that we didn't start the process in early August like we had originally planned. As hard as it has been, it could have been much worse. I pray daily for the families who were so close to completing their paperwork and now are faced with very difficult decisions.

So, the new plan? Only God knows. My heart is so firmly planted in Rwanda that I can't imagine that our next child would come from anywhere else. The faces of the children left behind are a constant in my mind. Logically it just makes sense for Carington and our next child to have the same country and heritage in common. I think it would be so good for both of them. But then again, my ways are not His ways. He knows so much better than I do what is best.

So for now we wait. We wait for God's timing. We wait for Rwanda to reopen... unless God directs us otherwise, that is our plan.

And in the meantime life continues....

Aiden's first day homeschooling with sidekick Noah. He also goes to a local private school one day a week.

These 3 love riding this 4 wheeler

Noah "comforting" Carington during a thunderstorm.

Aiden's 6th birthday

A failed attempt at a decent shot of all 3 kids.

The boys "helping" Carington walk.

He lost his first 2 teeth! Where did the last 6 years go.

A goofy little girl.

And where did my last picture of Noah go? Who knows? I hate computers.