This last month has been rough. ROUGH.
We are navigating through some difficult times and trying to make some
hard choices. Choices that are meant to
better my health and our family… but they are breaking my heart. And forcing me to accept more of my
limitations. But we have had a lot of help and support from
family and friends and Debbie is learning to deal with and her downs.
And right now I just don’t even want to talk about it. This is what I wanted to talk about.
Judging. No one likes
to be judged. Period.
Am I right? How many
times have I heard, “Don’t judge me?” or “Stop judging me.” But we all do it. Sometimes we have to. It’s important to judge whether or not it’s
safe to go into certain situations. But,
myself included, we do it so often when we have no cause. When it only tears someone else down.
I’m sure each of you is thinking of a specific time when you
were wrongly judged. Another interesting
aspect of POTS is its invisibleness. I
will admit that most of the judgment I feel is self-inflicted. I have always been and will always be my own worst
critic.
However, there have been occasions when I have been
criticized by others. There was one
instance in particular when I was in public with my 3 kids. It was very hot and I was at a high risk of
passing out. I just needed to get one
child to where he needed to be and get out of there. I had to make a difficult, on the spot choice
about how to handle the situation in order to keep all 4 of us safe. A total stranger objected to my
strategy. She blocked my path and
lectured me… threatened me! All the while
I was standing in the heat, unable to even respond because I was getting more and
more dizzy. When we were safely in our
van with the a/c going I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t drive or talk for a while until
the dizziness passed, and my younger 2 children were very frightened because I
wasn’t responding.
This complete stranger had made a snap judgment. She thought she knew better. She thought she knew a safer way. But she didn’t know the invisible world of
POTS and how dangerous her way was for my family at that time. She didn’t know the incredible danger that
she placed me and my kids in by lecturing me in the heat.
I am often surprised by face book posts. People at times essentially brag about how
they have judged others. I will give one
example. (If this was you, please don’t
be offended! I don’t even remember who
it was, I just remember the gist of the post.)
The post said that a lady had left her shopping cart next to
her car, rather than taking it to the cart corral. It accused the person who left it of being
lazy and not caring that the cart could do damage to other vehicles. So the poster had used his/her own vehicle to
push the cart into the ladies' car!
And I thought, “how do you know she was lazy?!” That could have been me! 99% of the time I return my cart. But there are times that Walmart Phenomenon
is so severe that I can’t make it from the cart corral back to my vehicle
without the support of the cart. And I
have left it by my van. There are times that
the heat is so intense that by the time I load the groceries into the back of
the van I’m already becoming presyncopal.
And I leave the cart by my van.
And then I sit in the van for 30 minutes until the ice cream melts and I
can drive safely.
Do I deserve to be called lazy and have my van damaged by
someone pushing the cart into my van?
Trust me, I do enough damage on my own. About a month ago I was driving home. I had felt OK. A few miles from home the lights of the other
vehicles really started to bother me a lot more than usual. As I pulled into the garage I knew I wasn’t
quite right. I put the van in park. I looked around and I couldn’t tell if I’d
parked correctly. I was almost certain I’d
pulled in far enough, but since I felt so weird I pulled forward a couple more
inches, just to be sure. I hit the
button to lower the garage door and crack!
The door hit the back of the van and now there is a very noticeable 3
inch scrape on the back of it.
At times I’m incapable of judging things I should be judging,
like depth! Even though I look perfectly
healthy and normal on the outside, no one would be able to “judge” this about me. People can’t tell by looking at me what is
going on and therefore they are not equipped to judge. Just as I am not equipped to judge you.
And don’t even get me started on the judgments that come
from being a transracial family. Those
judgments go both directions. We are
either horrible, glory seeking people or saints. Neither are appropriate or true. And the fact that my beautiful daughter will
be subject to judgment that I am exempt from, that I have never experienced and
therefore have no foundation for how to help her navigate through… heartbreaking.
So clearly this subject doesn’t just apply to POTS,
invisible illness and race. Just because
some guy cuts you off in traffic and flips you the bird doesn’t mean he’s a
jerk. Maybe he was just served papers
for a divorce he doesn’t want. Maybe the
weight of his world is crashing around him and for a brief moment he took it
out on you, a total stranger. Does that
make him a jerk? No. Does it make him human? Absolutely. And guess what. So are you.
And so am I.
Being human also makes him a child of God, a child of the
King. We all are. If only we would start giving each other the
benefit of the doubt. What if instead of
saying, “What a *@*#!”, we said, “I wonder what invisible problems are
overwhelming him today?” And then
instead of stewing about the bird we’ve been flipped, we pray for the bird
flipper. It may or may not change him,
but I bet it will at least change your outlook on those around you. We ALL have UGLY moments. Seen or unseen. And we are all God’s children. Regardless of whether we behave like it or
not. Let’s treat each other as such and
leave the judging up to our Dad.
