Invisible Illness, Race and Flipping the Bird

This last month has been rough.  ROUGH.  We are navigating through some difficult times and trying to make some hard choices.  Choices that are meant to better my health and our family… but they are breaking my heart.  And forcing me to accept more of my limitations.   But we have had a lot of help and support from family and friends and Debbie is learning to deal with and her downs. 

And right now I just don’t even want to talk about it.  This is what I wanted to talk about.

Judging.  No one likes to be judged.  Period. 

Am I right?  How many times have I heard, “Don’t judge me?” or “Stop judging me.”  But we all do it.  Sometimes we have to.  It’s important to judge whether or not it’s safe to go into certain situations.  But, myself included, we do it so often when we have no cause.  When it only tears someone else down.

I’m sure each of you is thinking of a specific time when you were wrongly judged.  Another interesting aspect of POTS is its invisibleness.  I will admit that most of the judgment I feel is self-inflicted.  I have always been and will always be my own worst critic.

However, there have been occasions when I have been criticized by others.  There was one instance in particular when I was in public with my 3 kids.  It was very hot and I was at a high risk of passing out.  I just needed to get one child to where he needed to be and get out of there.  I had to make a difficult, on the spot choice about how to handle the situation in order to keep all 4 of us safe.  A total stranger objected to my strategy.  She blocked my path and lectured me… threatened me!  All the while I was standing in the heat, unable to even respond because I was getting more and more dizzy.  When we were safely in our van with the a/c going I couldn’t stop the tears.  I couldn’t drive or talk for a while until the dizziness passed, and my younger 2 children were very frightened because I wasn’t responding.

This complete stranger had made a snap judgment.  She thought she knew better.  She thought she knew a safer way.  But she didn’t know the invisible world of POTS and how dangerous her way was for my family at that time.  She didn’t know the incredible danger that she placed me and my kids in by lecturing me in the heat.  

I am often surprised by face book posts.  People at times essentially brag about how they have judged others.  I will give one example.  (If this was you, please don’t be offended!  I don’t even remember who it was, I just remember the gist of the post.)

The post said that a lady had left her shopping cart next to her car, rather than taking it to the cart corral.  It accused the person who left it of being lazy and not caring that the cart could do damage to other vehicles.  So the poster had used his/her own vehicle to push the cart into the ladies' car! 

And I thought, “how do you know she was lazy?!”  That could have been me!  99% of the time I return my cart.  But there are times that Walmart Phenomenon is so severe that I can’t make it from the cart corral back to my vehicle without the support of the cart.  And I have left it by my van.  There are times that the heat is so intense that by the time I load the groceries into the back of the van I’m already becoming presyncopal.  And I leave the cart by my van.  And then I sit in the van for 30 minutes until the ice cream melts and I can drive safely. 

Do I deserve to be called lazy and have my van damaged by someone pushing the cart into my van?

Trust me, I do enough damage on my own.  About a month ago I was driving home.  I had felt OK.  A few miles from home the lights of the other vehicles really started to bother me a lot more than usual.  As I pulled into the garage I knew I wasn’t quite right.  I put the van in park.  I looked around and I couldn’t tell if I’d parked correctly.  I was almost certain I’d pulled in far enough, but since I felt so weird I pulled forward a couple more inches, just to be sure.  I hit the button to lower the garage door and crack!  The door hit the back of the van and now there is a very noticeable 3 inch scrape on the back of it.

At times I’m incapable of judging things I should be judging, like depth!  Even though I look perfectly healthy and normal on the outside, no one would be able to “judge” this about me.  People can’t tell by looking at me what is going on and therefore they are not equipped to judge.  Just as I am not equipped to judge you.

And don’t even get me started on the judgments that come from being a transracial family.  Those judgments go both directions.  We are either horrible, glory seeking people or saints.  Neither are appropriate or true.  And the fact that my beautiful daughter will be subject to judgment that I am exempt from, that I have never experienced and therefore have no foundation for how to help her navigate through… heartbreaking.

So clearly this subject doesn’t just apply to POTS, invisible illness and race.  Just because some guy cuts you off in traffic and flips you the bird doesn’t mean he’s a jerk.  Maybe he was just served papers for a divorce he doesn’t want.  Maybe the weight of his world is crashing around him and for a brief moment he took it out on you, a total stranger.  Does that make him a jerk?  No.  Does it make him human? Absolutely.  And guess what.  So are you.  And so am I. 

Being human also makes him a child of God, a child of the King.  We all are.  If only we would start giving each other the benefit of the doubt.  What if instead of saying, “What a *@*#!”, we said, “I wonder what invisible problems are overwhelming him today?”  And then instead of stewing about the bird we’ve been flipped, we pray for the bird flipper.  It may or may not change him, but I bet it will at least change your outlook on those around you.  We ALL have UGLY moments.  Seen or unseen.  And we are all God’s children.  Regardless of whether we behave like it or not.  Let’s treat each other as such and leave the judging up to our Dad.