Ramblings on the transracial experience

I had a foster son who is African American. He left us 1 week before we went to Rwanda. I miss him dearly. But I thought I was an old pro at this transracial family thing. The looks never bothered me, or the often "are you babysitting?" I thought the views of the public would not effect me.

When we arrived into Dulles it felt so good to be on American soil again. After a few hours in the airport I told Greg, "I must be really tired because the looks never bothered me before, and right now its just really annoying me." I have since realized that I am annoyed because I am no longer a foster mother. I am just a mother.

Perhaps before I felt the looks and questions were more justified. After all, even though my heart told me differently, he wasn't really my son. I also knew that before he was old enough to be affected he would no longer be with me. But Carington REALLY is my daughter. Maybe I read to much into the looks now. But it hurts to know that the world around us sees our relationship as less than legit. Especially because if it hurts me, I know that one day it will hurt her. I want everyone to see us for what we are. Not the babysitter. Not the foster child. Not adoptive mother or adopted daughter. Just mother and daugher, because that is what we are.

I will take comfort, and hopefully teach her to take comfort, in knowing that all that really matters is how God sees us. After all, He saw us as mother and daughter long before we even did.

One year anniversary

One year ago today something wonderful happened. After over a month of researching adoption "just out of curiosity", I sat down to have some prayer time with God. I was feeling strongly lead to go ahead and make this decision, but I'm the type that wants a message written across the sky. That is practically what God gave me! So many things in this whole adoption process has amazed me about how God is working. I wanted to record the experience here for 2 reasons. Firstly, so that everyone will know that this little girl was no accident. We did not become mother and daughter by happenstance. This was a clearly directed plan for both of our lives. Secondly, and most importantly, to give God the glory for all that has happened. I know this will be long, but believe it or not, this is a very short version of all the amazing things that happened to lead us to this decision.

I wrote on my calendar that I started researching adoption sometime between Jan. 8-12, 2009. We found out recently that our daughter came to the orphanage on Jan. 12, 2009. She legally became our daughter on Jan. 8, 2010.

One year ago today I decided to spend some time in prayer and that is when I had the most amazing prayer experience of my life. First I asked for God’s guidance and asked that he send the devil away. When I began praying over what to do the word adoption kept coming to my mind and overriding even the questions I was asking. But I thought about adoption so much that I thought I was just distracted. So I decided to just focus on Jesus and praise Him. I closed my eyes to picture His face and His arms reaching out to me like I do a lot. When I did this Jesus was handing me an African baby! It startled me but I still felt like maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. So I decided to picture Jesus on the cross and His sacrifice for me. The thought that immediately popped into my head was, “I did this so that you could be adopted into my family. Now its time to do this for someone else.” I said, “when Lord?”. Immediately this phrase from a song came to me that I haven’t heard in years and years, “what about now? Why not today?”. The importance of this has become clear recently. Families whose paperwork arrived in Rwanda just 2 weeks after us have not yet received referrals on their children. I'm sure that God's timing will be perfect for those families as well, but I believe God knew we had to act quickly in order to bring Carington home at the time that we did.

God then brought to my mind all the benefits to Aiden and Noah, decreased racism, see how God has adopted them, give them a more giving spirit. I told God I wanted him to get all the glory and He said that adopting would bring him far more glory than another pregnancy. I questioned whether this was God or my own rambling or the devils influence. God said, “you asked me to send the devil away.” I then remembered something I’d just read about Jesus and the devil being the only controllers of our mind. It was like God was reminding me that the Devil was gone and He alone was in control. I thought, “you alone are worthy, you alone.” He said, “I was adopted. What would have happened if Joseph had not adopted me?” It came to my mind that Jesus’ lineage was traced through Joseph and the prophecies about him could not have been fulfilled without Joseph.

I said “If Satan is gone then why do I question.” The answer, “you need to choose faith. Faith is holding onto what you cannot feel.” The whole conversation seemed natural. I didn’t feel like something amazing was happening and God knew I needed to hear these words. I said, “I’m afraid I’ll look back and question whether I really experienced this.” God said, “have this ever happened before. Have I ever given you so many answers when you were quiet before me?” I said, "I just want to know this is your will". I then felt like I should look at Ephesians 1:5 which talks about us being adopted into God's family. When I did my eye caught verse 9 “and he made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ.”

At this point I felt like I should kneel with my face to the floor. I started to think of childbirth and I began to wonder about how different this would be not carrying this child. God immediately said, “I will give you the love.” I asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me and it was quiet for a while, which I needed to process and realize that my mind was not in control of this. Then I asked, “Lord, what about my dream of having a little redheaded girl.” The immediate answer was, “She was never meant to be.” This hurt very deeply, but God knew it was what I needed to hear. Since we had always planned on having 3 children by birth before we adopted I needed to know that there wasn’t a life that was meant to be created. I said, “really Lord, she was never meant to be?” I thought at that point that I would picture myself with that little girl like I have a million times, but instead I pictured Jesus holding me and comforting me in the loss of that dream! I began to cry and asked “Lord- she really wasn't meant to be? This isn't the devil tricking me?” God said, “I sent him away. Remember?”

I felt so amazed that God cares to answer my prayers and that He takes the time to speak to me! That afternoon I talked to Greg on the phone. I said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I had an amazing talk with God today and I believe 100% that He wants us to adopt that little girl from Rwanda now.” Greg said, “OK if that’s what God told you then that’s what we’ll do.” We submitted our application with the adoption agency online that night!

Our first day with Carington I was playing with her on our bed in Rwanda. As I looked at her I realized that I no longer had any desire for that little redheaded girl. Carington is the only baby girl I want. God knows far better than we do what is best for us. Sometimes I'm very hard headed and ask Him for a million signs. I am so thankful that He cared enough to give me the "writing in the sky" that I asked for. Otherwise this precious girl would still be an orphan and I would not know the joy that comes from following God's plan.

Our precious family

Carington is doing so well. She truly has made this transition so much easier than expected. She does need a lot of extra attention and she really loves to be held a lot, but we can see her confidence growing. She plays on the floor with her brothers more and more. She allows me to walk further from her without crying. Sometimes when we put her down she'll go right to sleep on her own, other times she needs to be rocked. Sometimes when she wakes she'll play a couple minutes in her crib before crying out. This shows me that she is becoming more secure. She doesn't seem as afraid that we will disappear.

She eats like crazy and we can tell that her cheeks and belly are a lot bigger than they were 3 1/2 weeks ago!

Aiden and Noah are such good big brothers. They have done really well with this transition too. They were already used to sharing me with a baby. For those who don't know, we had a foster son the same age as Carington that left the week before we went to Rwanda. This tends to essentuate the joy we feel with her. It brings us such happiness to see her bonding and attaching to us. With our foster son it brought pain knowing that the relationship could not last. We miss him and ache for him. But it is so good to look at all 3 of my children and know that they are here to stay. We feel so blessed.

First family photos and Noah trying out the Rwandese way to carry your baby.

Home Safely!

Although it took 61 hours from when we left our hotel in Nairobi, we are home safely. There are not words to describe how good it feels to finally have all 3 of my kids at home with me. We missed Aiden and Noah so so much. 17 days is way to long to be away! Carington is doing well although a little insecure right now with all the changes. She had gotten used to a hotel room where she could see us at all times. She does not seem to like our house where we can walk out of her sight! She really loves the boys and was so cute giggling with them tonight. We are so blessed.

Another Change

We are spending the night in Ethiopia due to the blizzard in D.C. closing down Dulles. Now we should be arriving home Sunday afternoon. We are still very thankful because if we hadn't gotten our visa this morning we wouldn't have been home until Wednesday.

WE ARE COMING HOME!!!!

This morning I was a little anxious waiting for word about our visas. We had a meeting at 10 in the lobby and our POA said, “good news, 4 of you are approved but we don’t know which 4. We need one parent from each family to come with me to the embassy and see what we can find out. I came back to our room to get Carington to nap while Greg went to the embassy. I started to pack up a few things and then sat down with my Bible. Becky Fisher said at breakfast this morning, “God doesn’t care so much about whether or not we go home today, what He cares about is our attitude.” So I determined to have a good attitude. I read Psalm 63:3 “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.” I spent some time praising God and praying for a good outcome. I promised God I would praise him no matter what happened today. A few minutes later the phone rang and Suzanne Watson informed me that we all are approved and the Dad’s will be back in about an hour with our visas! I think God just used this stressful time to teach us all to trust Him and praise Him no matter what.
One thing this whole adoption process has taught me is the awesomeness of God. I am overwhelmed and overcome with emotion when I think about how He has led. To think that the God of the universe cared enough about me to give me a daughter. That He cared enough about a premature orphan in an impoverished country to give her a family. And that He led so clearly to bring us together from opposite sides of the world. There are no words to describe the God we serve. His love is better than life!
Aiden and Noah we miss you like crazy and we will see you TOMORROW!

Carington's first swim. She LOVED it!

More Safari

Kenyan Safari!

Carington had a high fever today after all her shots but after some tylenol this evening she perked right up.

Prayer Request

In the words of my friend Adrianne we need everyone to "get their pray on". Everything up to this point has gone remarkably well. This morning however things changed a bit. Apparently there was a background check that should have been started in Rwanda. This was not done and no one knew it until we arrived at the embassy this morning to get our visas. The visas cannot be issued until the background check is complete. This could be completed as early as Thursday or not until as late as Tuesday a week from now. This has been a very wonderful but also very long, emotional trip. We are all anxious to get back home to our kids and to introduce our new children to our families. So at this point we are requesting for everyone to pray that we get our visas at least by Friday morning so that we can all make our flights back home Friday afternoon. We are so thankful for the way God has worked and taken care of all of us thus far. I know He will continue to do so.

Family photo and the beautiful courtyard at Chez Lando

The famous blue gates and hill that the orphanage is located on.

Carington is usually hard to get to sleep at night but once she is asleep she sleeps all night. Last night however, she woke up around 1:30 and played till after 3. She would roll over to me and pat me and giggle and try to get me to play. After a few minutes she’d give up on me and roll over to Greg and do the same thing. She went back and forth between us for almost 2 hours.

This morning we got up at 5 AM (4AM Rwanda time) to be at our medicals at 7 AM. Things went fairly well and we left there just after 1PM. 6 hours is actually not bad from what we have heard. The older kids will have to get theirs done on Wednesday. Carington did have to get 6 shots and they did them one at a time. It was so sad. I cried right along with her. This afternoon she has been very fussy probably due to the shots.

Today we were given Carington’s records from the orphanage. We knew that she was premature and in the NICU for her first month of life but we had no idea how small she was. The first measurement the orphanage took was on Feb. 1^st. She was 1 ½ months old at the time and had been at the orphanage for 3 weeks. She weighed 4.4 lbs. and was 17 inches long!!! I couldn’t believe it. This little girl is a miracle. I can’t imagine any baby being sent home from a hospital at her size much less being sent to an orphanage. God has really taken care of her and sent people to give her the care and attention that she needed to survive. Our POA will return to the hospital when she is able to get the rest of her records so we can find out how premature she was and what she weighed. We are so thankful to God for taking care of her. We believe even more strongly that His hand has been on her and that He has great plans for her life.